We went to the ‘riots’ in Minneapolis, here’s what happened

It’s time to admit that the riots are just actually differently orchestrated protests

There have been a lot of false rumours circling around that the peaceful protests occurring in the event of George Floyd’s death are in fact “riots”. As a professional fact checker, I can safely say that this is nothing more than lies fabricated by the vindictive forces of the alt-right. To prove this, brave journalist Jared Michelle, my cousin Lindsey, and myself attended one of these peaceful protests. Here’s what happened.

When we arrived, we were greeted by a band of protestors who were peacefully dismantling the business of some old white male, who was crying outside (no doubt tearing up at the bravery of the protestors). These protesters introduced themselves and asked “orange man bad?” To which we replied: “orange man the absolute worst.” We were granted immediate access into the vicinity.

As we navigated the streets, we encountered a burning playground where Joe Biden was kneeling besides some children of colour. A nearby Nazi accused Biden of sniffing them, but he was clearly just checking if the children had head lice. This is exactly the kind of thoughtful persyn we need as President. Luckily, we were able to speak to Biden and gather his thoughts on the situation.

Biden: Kids put the baseball bats down, Uncle Joe is just going to speak to this gender alien thing and then we’ll go get some free ice cream!

Croft: Greetings, comrade Biden! It’s been a while since I’ve last seen you!

Biden: Who are you? Where am I?

Croft: It’s me Neville, you know from NPC Daily? The most non-biased and intensely accurate news network on the planet. Also you’re in Minneapolis, Mr Biden.

Biden: What am I doing here in Memphis?

Croft: I said Minneapolis. You was protesting systemic racism.

Biden: I don’t tolerate any racist malarkey. I’m pretty sure the guy I served under was black. My hairy legs turn blonde in the sun by the way.

Croft: Mr Biden what will you do to end systemic racism as President?

Biden: Oh shit their parents are here! Gotta scram!

Before departing, Biden smelled my hair, obviously inspecting for head lice again. What a gentlepersyn. Our travels then brought us to a group of protestors liberating a shop of unnecessary products. We managed to get a statement from one of these heroes.

“Hehe I’ve managed to get all my purchases at a 100% discount since the protests happened. This is the reparations I’ve been dreaming of. Now all these white women keep coming to me to apologise, offering erm… favours. Even their husbands stay to watch!”

  • Protestor, not a looter.

The man we interviewed then redecorated a store window with a brick and went shopping inside. Such a brave soul.

Unfortunately, our trip took a turn for the worst. A group of Black Lives Matter protestors informed us that we were too white and needed to make space for black persyns. Jared tried to inform them we were in fact journalists, and are the most oppressed minority in modern history. This led to Jared engaging in a wrestling match with these heroic persyns. Strangely, he started screaming frantically and stopped moving after a few minutes. Still not sure why. Lindsey and I suddenly decided that we didn’t enjoy wrestling and went home.

There you have it. Anyone who dares question the peaceful nature of these protests is a racist. Jared sends his regards from hospital.

Neville Croft

Neville Percival Croft is a brave, bold and daring reporter for NPC Daily after being laid off from BuzzFeed because of xirs apparently "overtly communist views". Nonetheless, Neville is a unique, freethinking individual that brings lots of cards to the table such as xirs ability to smash the patriarchy in less than 10 minutes and xirs prestigious Gender Studies degree helps xir to critically analyse and report in a completely unbiased fashion. Also, xe is a proud Greysexual Novigender and has a moderate soy latte addiction. Please never assume xirs gender. This entire site is satire.
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