With the lockdown gradually easing, some of our NPC Daily staff members have been able to return to the office and get back to business. This meant that we could also feed our pet Octopus, Montgomery, again. Montgomery is pretty much Jesus, that is if Jesus came out as non-binary and an Octopus (pronouns are zo/zor/zom).
It wasn’t long until we realised how intelligent zo actually is, likely a result of the vegetarian diet that zo personally requested. For years, we have relied upon Montgomery for the most accurate predictions. Well, we don’t really call them predictions, rather objective truths that are yet to come true. Due to this, Montgomery has slithered up the ladder to chief fact checker and ensures the total non-bias of our articles.
In a stunning and joy inducing display of utter bravery, Montgomery recently predicted a landslide victory for Joe Biden!
We placed two statues in zors tank: one of Joe Biden and one of he who shall not be named, let’s call him Blumpf. Whichever one Montgomery swam over to signified clearly to us who would be the election victor. Initially we were terrified when Montgomery swam towards Blumpf. I remember shaking so hard I felt like I was about to explode.
To our shock, zo spat ink all over it and proceeded to tear it apart. This made cheers of joy erupt from the spectating journalists. Once done, Montgomery swam over to the Joe Biden statue and caressed it gently before spitting more ink at the remains of the Blumpf statue. Now I feel secure in the knowledge that Joe Biden is absolutely going to win 2020.
Now, I know what some of you might be thinking: “Neville, how does an Octopus know who’s going to win?”
I’ll have you know that Montgomery has only ever been wrong once. Back in 2016, zo predicted a landslide Hillary victory, but then again, so did literally everyone else. Blumpf only won by involving Russian influence, seasoned trolls, and bad actors.
If you don’t believe the predictions of our Cephalopod fact checker, then you are deluding yourself and are most likely a fascist.
If a small amount of our regular readers became subscribers on Subscribestar, we'd have enough funding to no longer be dependent on annoying Google ads cluttering your reading space and we will be protected against deplatforming. Will you subscribe on Subscribestar?