COVID-19 case death numbers to include shark attack victims

"Keeping numbers and intimidating speaks to a broader awareness of the dangers of coronavirus"

As 98 per cent of all journalists know, keeping the COVID case numbers and the COVID fatality numbers as high as possible is important during a Presidential election year. But sooner or later, the numbers just won’t add up if Trump has his way and the number of cases starts to plummet too far in advance of the election. Or if the whiners in the MAGA hats start to figure out that there are more COVID cases than there are actual living people.

High numbers of COVID cases, and charts showing frightening death curves (regardless of their accuracy) are critical to keeping the economy shut down and making sure most citizens are afraid of everything leading up to the big day on November 4th. After all, if all Americans start working and going to school again, they might well forget how bad America really is. A continued, miserable lockdown, where Americans constantly fight with each other about wearing masks, is obviously a noble socialist goal.

Bold action had to be taken, and a woke high school non-binary gender studies class in Palo Alto, California came up with a stunning and brave class project to boost the COVID numbers. The class uses Zoom for the project and has learned that the “new normal” means no actual human contact to avoid certain death.

Each student suggested a way to make the COVID case numbers as high as possible and the graphs to be shown on CNN and MSNBC to look terrifying. “It was kind of like telling ghost stories, back when people used to interact in person, which is obviously life-threatening” explained a ninth grader. Every student was awarded a participation trophy made from recycled old participation trophies. The winning entrant was chosen the same way the Democratic Vice-Presidential candidate will be chosen, which is based solely on her gender and race.

The winning entry was developed by Nadine PX, a non-binary 9th grade student of color who identifies as a gay rainbow trout. Nadine’s stunning project entry was to include shark attack victims in the COVID numbers, because Trump supporters will not be able to prove that they did NOT have COVID after they are eaten by sharks. This is the kind of outside the box thinking that America needs now. Thanks Nadine!

Tune in next week as we highlight the first runner-up’s project, which is titled, “All Missing Persons in California and Michigan Test Positive for COVID”.

Diversity is our strength. Orange man bad.

Pepe Johnson

Robert ("Pepe") Johnson is a Gen YZ freelance social justice facilitator. A graduate of Palo Alto State with a major in Mime, with a concentration in Walking Against the Wind, with post-graduate online certificates of knowledge in Non-Binary Gender Studies and 21st Century Bathroom Planning, "Pepe" has performed as a nude mime and human statue, as well as a professional protestor. "Pepe" is a nickname, but he has been called that since childhood, not for current political gain or to seem more Mexican. This entire site is satire.
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