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New Jersey Governor Phil Murphy bans exercise

"You don't need to be getting stronger. The government will take care of your needs."

We can all agree that New Jersey strongman Governor Murphy knows what is best for us. Governor Murphy recently had rebel gym owners in Camden County arrested for failing to comply with his order to close. Like most red hat wearers, the gym owners threw around a bunch of statistics and “evidence” to support their alt-right position, such as the premise that just because 13,000 visitors had come to their gym during the Democratic Socialist Lockdown, and no one had contracted the COVID virus, that it was somehow safe to keep the gym open.

As usual, the MAGA crowd can’t see the forest for the trees. Simply because no one has become even mildly ill among a tiny sampling of 13,000 straight visitors in a row doesn’t mean it is safe. Duh. Furthermore, the role of socialist state governments includes keeping people properly informed with state-sponsored information, as well as appropriately taking away all means of resistance to our socialist leaders, who obviously know what’s best for us.

Today Governor Murphy put his handsomely polished black boot down for all our safety. He has banned all exercise of any kind in the Garden State. “You don’t need to be getting stronger. The government will take care of your needs. So we will be going door to door to seize any weightlifting equipment in your homes. This will make it easier for you to surrender your weights.”

Governor Murphy’s Executive Order also extends to “body-weight” exercises, such as push ups and planks, which do not require equipment, but could make people physically stronger. When asked how, even as woke as he is, he could tell if people were trying to secretly do pushups in their basements, he explained, “we have drones for that. We’ll get ’em!”

Diversity is our strength. Orange man bad.

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Pepe Johnson

Robert ("Pepe") Johnson is a Gen YZ freelance social justice facilitator. A graduate of Palo Alto State with a major in Mime, with a concentration in Walking Against the Wind, with post-graduate online certificates of knowledge in Non-Binary Gender Studies and 21st Century Bathroom Planning, "Pepe" has performed as a nude mime and human statue, as well as a professional protestor. "Pepe" is a nickname, but he has been called that since childhood, not for current political gain or to seem more Mexican. This entire site is satire.

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