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Time’s up for America’s suburbs, Biden says

“Incubators of fascism” to be fundamentally transformed

America’s soccer moms and backyard-loving dads will need to release their stranglehold on the nation’s pseudo-idyllic suburban neighborhoods under a Joe Biden presidency, the Biden campaign said Monday.

The former vice president has vowed to reinstate the Affirmatively Furthering Fair Housing policy which was put in place in 2015 while he served with the Barack Obama presidency. The equity-first program, which would eliminate the zoning restrictions that keep the suburbs so sterile and lame, was recently rescinded by the dictatorial Donald Trump regime in a cynical ploy for suburban votes.

“I’m forward to looking at furtherly affirmativizing the hell out of all those Karens and Bobs, and that’s no joke man,” Biden said told a huddle of reporters in his basement headquarters on Monday. “They think they can hog everything with their mega-pickups and monster-lawns, forever? I don’t think so Jack.”

Most experts agree that America’s suburbs are toxic for the human spirit as well as the Earth, with a consensus forming that they constitute an existential threat. They say that people who ignorantly think they’re living the “suburban lifestyle dream,” are actually in “incubators of fascism” or “comfortable concentration camps,” condemning themselves to a slow, sad cultural death, which faux pleasures like backyard grilling can hardly compensate for.

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