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Why the Harry Potter novels are problematic and need to be rewritten

We demand that JK Rowling release a new edition more inclusive for our times

Racism is everywhere. It permeates in our schools, manifests in our societal systems, and infests the very minds of your average citizen (usually the white ones). Not even fictional universes and stories are safe. Recently I decided to pick up the Harry Potter books after hearing about Donald Glover soon to be playing Harry Potter.

Read: Donald Glover will play grown-up Harry Potter in 2021 Cursed Child movie

Rather than be sucked into a wonderful, fantasy world full of joy and mystery, I was left physically trembling and mentally paralysed by the sheer level of racism I experienced. It was at this moment that I realised how much of an issue hate literature has become. Immediately I created a small bonfire in my back garden and tossed these bigoted books into the flames of justice. I suggest you incinerate your copies as well.

Racist Rowling thought it was a good idea to make a disabled persyn the villain.

As I flicked through the pages of oppression, I came to the conclusion that Voldemort was a brilliant depiction of Drumpf. That is until I discovered that he had no nose, then I realised that Rowling just hates differently abled persyns. To make matters worse, Voldemort is killed by a straight white male. If this doesn’t give you a frightening insight into how racist Rowling’s mind works then clearly you’re part of the problem.

Rowling is a victim of the patriarchy and this shows in her hate literature. The story contains no POC characters and the vast majority of characters are male with the few female characters being depicted as slaves of the patriarchy (Hermione) or straight up evil (Umbridge). Even Dumbledore who is stated to be a member of the JLGBTQ+ community did not engage in a stunning, brave relationship with another male identifying persyn.

Personally, I believe that Rowling needs to atone for her sins. The least she can do is rework her way through the series and make some much needed changes, such as making Harry Potter a disabled POC, giving Hagrid they/them pronouns, or make Voldemort orange. Until this new, more inclusive edition is unveiled, Rowling will continue to be an enemy of all things progressive. May she be cancelled forever!

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Neville Croft

Neville Percival Croft is a brave, bold and daring reporter for NPC Daily after being laid off from BuzzFeed because of xirs apparently "overtly communist views". Nonetheless, Neville is a unique, freethinking individual that brings lots of cards to the table such as xirs ability to smash the patriarchy in less than 10 minutes and xirs prestigious Gender Studies degree helps xir to critically analyse and report in a completely unbiased fashion. Also, xe is a proud Greysexual Novigender and has a moderate soy latte addiction. Please never assume xirs gender. This entire site is satire.

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