California Orders 4 Hours of Mandatory Hand Washing Per Day

Governor also bans issues motion to regulate water usage statewide

In times of crisis, thought leaders emerge. Instead of waiting for Trump to cure the virus (which he has not done yet because of his bigotry), America’s wokest governors like Governor Cuomo the Second in New York and Governor Newsome of California are innovating ways to keep us all safe.

“Today the Governor announces that all Californians will be required to wash their hands for four hours per day. We have drones in the air and apps on your smart phones already operational to monitor who is compliant and who is a right wing scofflaw. He will also announce a residential water ban to protect a rare tree frog. The Governor values clean hands and safe tree frogs.” said a pansexual spokeperzyn of color.

Then the woke Governor emerged after a brisk ride on his Peleton bicycle and took the stage:

“Look, you will all be ordered to stay in your homes until November 5th, which is when the scientists say it will be safe again, with obvious exceptions for Democratic party leaders, peaceful protestors, people of color, people out on bail, and members of the ruling class. There is simply no excuse for anyone else not continuously washing your hands and staying inside. I am also announcing a state wide water ban due to the plight of the tree frogs, as well as the dead twigs and brush in our forests; those frogs and dead trees have never hurt anyone, unlike Trump. This is the new normal. Together we can do this.” continued the brilliant Democratic Socialist.

Needless to say, not everyone agreed that these ideas are totally awesome. “That’s absurd. That’s why they have fires every year. Order the cook to bring me some frog legs, some tap water and a bottle of ketchup.” scoffed Trump, while watching Gilligan’s Island reruns. “Ginger or Maryanne?” the Orange Man queried the press corps.

I can’t even … Orange man bad. Diversity is our strength.

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Pepe Johnson

Robert ("Pepe") Johnson is a Gen YZ freelance social justice facilitator. A graduate of Palo Alto State with a major in Mime, with a concentration in Walking Against the Wind, with post-graduate online certificates of knowledge in Non-Binary Gender Studies and 21st Century Bathroom Planning, "Pepe" has performed as a nude mime and human statue, as well as a professional protestor. "Pepe" is a nickname, but he has been called that since childhood, not for current political gain or to seem more Mexican. This entire site is satire.

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