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New Jersey governor Phil Murphy issues order banning no-knock warrants, institutes no-warrant knocks instead

Progressive governor, aggressive reforms

In the Democrats’ latest effort to combat the ongoing police genocide against black members of the Persyn of Color Community, New Jersey Governor Phil Murphy has issued an executive order banning the use of no-knock warrants.

“Forty-Four million black people have been shot and/or knelt upon by police officers since the day Trump took office,” a persyn of spokes from the governor’s office told reporters during a Wednesday-morning Zoom conference. “By replacing the no-knock warrant with the no-warrant knock, black people need no longer fear getting shot at after accidentally opening fire upon police officers. Such scenarios only serve as political fodder for fascists like Rand Paul, who is still refusing to say the name of that #SayHerName girl.”

“Governor Murphy believes black people have a fundamental right to choose whether to gun down police officers. The No-Warrant Knock empowers them to make that choice.”

  • persyn of spokes for Phil Murphy

Under the executive order, police officers will be required to audibly knock for precisely five minutes and twenty-five seconds — a tribute to George Floyd, who was mercilessly killed by white supremacists on May 25th of this year.

If any occupant should happen to answer the door prior to the conclusion of the tribute, officers are required to bend the knee and serve out the remaining time in reverent silence. They are NOT permitted to make any moves to apprehend the suspect(s), even if the suspect(s) should attempt to flee. Prematurely rising from the kneeling position for any reason will result in a temporary suspension from the police force and a permanent Twitter ban.

Should the door remain unanswered once the mourning period comes to a close, officers will be permitted to break it down — but only after announcing their presence and their pronouns, at which point they may calmly enter single file. The order explicitly states that there is to be no pushing.

Each individual officer is further required to pause in the doorway with their hands over their heads and chant, hands up, don’t shoot!” fourteen times to commemorate the 2014 slaying of Michael Brown. Officers who fail to pay their proper respects (or who simply lose count) will be required to go to the back of the line.

Under no circumstances are police permitted to shoot any black people. SWAT teams are not exempt from any of these regulations.

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The new order has been met with praise by Murphy’s fellow Democrats — who believe in #BlackLivesMatter — not least of all because of the invaluable resources it will grant law enforcement to combat the deadly COVID-19 pandemic.

Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer said she was “glad to see Phil taking leadership lessons from strong womxyzn like Jacinda Ardern”, the New Zealand prime minister who bravely abolished the need for warrants where COVID is concerned. New York mayor Bill de Blasio expressed optimism that Governor Murphy would have a much easier time shutting down small businesses, and Andrew Cuomo went on CNN to remind his brother’s viewers that Trump failed to stop him from putting COVID patients into nursing homes.

READ: Governor Gretchen Whitmer extends lockdown for white people only

READ: Is Jacinda Ardern putting New Zealanders into concentration camps for the “wrong” reasons?

While civil rights groups such as the ACLU initially expressed doubts as to the Constitutionality of such a measure, their fears were assuaged by the prospect of saving Grandma from certain death.

“Democrats have essentially nullified Amendments I, II, V, VI, VIII, and X anyway,” an ACLU persyn of spokes told NPC Daily, “so the voter base isn’t likely to bat an eye at the loss of one more.”

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Staff Writer

One of our wage slave writers contracted with NPC Daily. Repeat after me - orange man bad. Everything on this site is satire.

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