Culture

CNN’s Jeffrey Toobin takes leave of absence for self-care

Claims that he was fired for indecent exposure crime debunked by Democrat fact-checkers

We all know CNN is the most trusted Party-authorized news source. We have all enjoyed CNN legal analyst Jeffrey Toobin’s objective legal brilliance every time Trump tries to pack the Supreme Court with another hateful justice. Mr. Toobin has become the moral compass of journalism.

So when a right wing bigot complained about Mr. Toobin masturbating during a Zoom call during work with several other participants viewing, CNN called “foul” and Twitter and Facebook understandably censored all comments about it. “It is wrong think to criticize a journalist of Mr. Toobin’s stature”, said an insider. “This person is a giant.”

Mr. Toobin’s rep said that he is taking time off for self-care because of the right wing hysteria around his most recent online masturbation break. “Look he heard Biden is ahead in a poll. He takes time for self-care when he hears good news like that. If you don’t understand that you are literally Hitler.” said the unnamed spokesperson.

Needless to say, the red hat crowd criticized Toobin, spouting the usual “double standard”, “democrats hate America” etc. about this innocent gesture by Toobin. “Around here we call him “Tube”, he is not afraid to give himself a tug when it appears Biden has done something that’s not that bad. So what? Don’t be hateful or we will get you banned from everything”, offered a co-worker.

This is the battle for the soul of the nation. Orange man bad. Self-care good.

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Pepe Johnson

Robert ("Pepe") Johnson is a Gen YZ freelance social justice facilitator. A graduate of Palo Alto State with a major in Mime, with a concentration in Walking Against the Wind, with post-graduate online certificates of knowledge in Non-Binary Gender Studies and 21st Century Bathroom Planning, "Pepe" has performed as a nude mime and human statue, as well as a professional protestor. "Pepe" is a nickname, but he has been called that since childhood, not for current political gain or to seem more Mexican. This entire site is satire.

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