Politics

New NPC Daily poll predicts Biden landslide victory

Biden's victory is so close, we can smell it.

If we know something, it’s that we know Joe and Joe knows us. The debates have proven to us that Joe Biden is the hero we need, but not the one we deserve. Righteously he has stood against Drumpf’s malarkey and bigotry, never ceasing in effortlessly dismantling his opponent with the aid of a particularly diligent teleprompter.

According to a recent NPC Daily poll conducted in Berkeley California, Joe Biden has a 99.99% chance of winning the election. You heard it here folks, it’s already over! Drumpf is finished this time! A Biden bluenami is on the horizon. Our analysts have been hard at work deciphering as to how the electoral college is going to look this year and after much debate, this is the clear outcome.

For four long years, we have suffered tremendously under the tyranny of the Drumpf regime. Fear not, freedom is on the horizon. Under Biden, everything will get better. The coronavirus will go away forever, racism will go extinct, fracking will be a distant memory, climate change will disappear overnight, children will no longer be tossed in cages, and wrong thought will no longer be tolerated. I can’t wait for the day when I no longer need to invest in emergency cry tissues and when I can finally sleep peacefully without having nightmares of his nasty orange face.

A Biden victory is upon us, comrades. Can you smell it?

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Neville Croft

Neville Percival Croft is a brave, bold and daring reporter for NPC Daily after being laid off from BuzzFeed because of xirs apparently "overtly communist views". Nonetheless, Neville is a unique, freethinking individual that brings lots of cards to the table such as xirs ability to smash the patriarchy in less than 10 minutes and xirs prestigious Gender Studies degree helps xir to critically analyse and report in a completely unbiased fashion. Also, xe is a proud Greysexual Novigender and has a moderate soy latte addiction. Please never assume xirs gender. This entire site is satire.

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