Culture

California Governor Gavin Newsom outlaws turkeys

Possession of a turkey will be prosecuted as a felony

Fact check: no one knows more about how to correct the “American Way of Life” than California Governor Gavin Newsome, a woke progressive Democratic Socialist. Governor Newsome has led the way in making sure Californians have been locked in their homes for the past 8 months to keep them safe from Trump. Yet there are still critics, all of whom drive trucks with American flags on them.

“Look, all we are telling you to do, is to stay away from your biological families around these ‘holidays’, as religious people call them. Your family does not care about you as much as the state does. You get two days in a row off for what slave owners called “Thanksgiving”. That is more than sufficient. To stop these unnecessary super-spreader holiday gatherings, we have already banned gatherings of more than one person. But right wing Trump supporters pushed the envelope and are trying to observe these holidays any way. So I have outlawed turkeys. I have established common sense turkey control measures, and they are effective immediately.”

“Any person caught with a turkey on the last Thursday in November will be sent to a re-education camp. You’ll never want another bite of turkey again as long as you live.” explained Governor Newsome with a knowing smile.

Stay tuned for updates on how California will ban Christmas and Hanukkah. It’s a battle for the soul of the nation.

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Pepe Johnson

Robert ("Pepe") Johnson is a Gen YZ freelance social justice facilitator. A graduate of Palo Alto State with a major in Mime, with a concentration in Walking Against the Wind, with post-graduate online certificates of knowledge in Non-Binary Gender Studies and 21st Century Bathroom Planning, "Pepe" has performed as a nude mime and human statue, as well as a professional protestor. "Pepe" is a nickname, but he has been called that since childhood, not for current political gain or to seem more Mexican. This entire site is satire.

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