The Department of Defense issued a much-need clarification for confused members of the legacy media on Wednesday, reassuring them that the evil orange dictator’s nefarious plan to reduce the number of troops in the Middle East involves bringing them home alive rather than simply lining the stupid bastards up and executing them as initially reported.
“The President intends the troops to be transported home via aircraft and without the use of body bags,” acting Secretary of Defense Christopher Miller said in a statement to the White House Press Corps.
“We realize this upsets a major precedent set by the two previous administrations, and that the idea of American soldiers’ lives having any intrinsic value is an alien concept to you people. So just pretend for a moments that all of our servicemen are black. Communists too, if that helps. Or even cop killers and registered sex offenders.”
- Christopher C. Miller, Acting Secretary of Defense
When pressed as to what this would mean for the body bag industry — in which U.S. senators from both parties reportedly have significant holdings — Mx. Miller pointed out that the withdrawal comes at a time of increased demand for such wares in Democrat-run cities nationwide. He went on to state that while he is not an expert in supply chain economics, he does not forsee the industry taking much of a hit.
“Senator Romney, Senator Coons, Senator McConnell — your investments are safe.”
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