Biden

Biden tasks Dominion voting systems with keeping COVID count

As January approaches, and the coronation of the most revered president in human history nears, Joe Biden is working tirelessly to make his transition as seamless as possible. Even though the current squatter at the White House is in the process of being legally evicted, he is vindictively throwing up every roadblock he can to make President Biden’s job as difficult as possible. However, as it once was with Corn Pop, Biden is overcoming with style and grace. Undeterred, he is tirelessly and relentlessly moving forward with appointing the greatest team since the defense of Hogwarts against He Who Shall Not Be Named.

As of the time of publication, appointments so far have included Mark Zuckerberg as Minister of Truth, Jack Dorsey as head of the newly founded Department of Censorship for the Public Good, Representative Alexandria Ocasio Cortez as Pretty Pretty Princess of Environmental Protection and Empress of Unicorn Husbandry, and Jim Acosta as the new White House Press Secretary and sole member of the White House Press Corps.

The most important appointment made so far though, is John Poulos, CEO and President of Dominion Voting Systems, as Surgeon General and Head of Covid Analytics. Dominion will now be solely in charge of recording and keeping an exact count of what has become the most deadly virus in the history of the world. The importance of appointing Dominion as the lone arbiter of maintaining the statistics of the Trump Virus should be obvious to the long-time readers of NPC Daily, being fully aware of how President Pestilence has continually and consistently suppressed both the numbers of reported infections and deaths.

From his Covid-proof bunker deep beneath his Delaware home, President Biden tried throughout the Summer to alert us of the public danger the Trump Virus posed, but his warnings that 473 million Americans had contracted the plague, 612 million of those dying horrible deaths, were quelled by Trump’s state-controlled media machine and crushed beneath the iron boot of his fascist suppression of the online media companies.

For these reasons and others, the appointment of Dominion may be the most important message of hope President Biden could send the nation in these dark times. He is comforting us by letting us know that the most creative number crunchers since the innovators who pioneered Clinton Fuzzy Math are now on the job, and are providing us with the actual numbers, no matter how much conventional wisdom might try to lead us astray.

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When NPC Daily gets an exceptional submission on the "submit an article page", it's posted from NPC Contributor. Everything on this site is satire.

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