CoronavirusTrump Impeachment

The foreign stimulus package is an unmitigated disaster

Americans are the most privileged people in the world. Why should they receive a share?

House Speaker Nanzi Pelosi awoke the morning after Safe Harbor of a mind to pass an economic stimulus bill. With the orange dictator soundly defeated in what experts are calling “the most secure election in American history” — and with Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell having finally abandoned the America First credo of Trump supporters — Speaker Pelosi decided the time was ripe to pass a bill.

Also, she was tired of getting called out by members of her own Party for stonewalling COVID aid.

The CAIR Act is a follow-up to the CARES Act from earlier this year, which provided direct aid to major corporations, persyns of unauthorized border crossing, and deceased foreign nationals — plus $25 million in petty cash to House Democrats and proper incentive for the U.S. Postal Service to ensure a Joe Biden victory.

Yet critics of the CARES Act felt it placed undue emphasis on Americans and American interests.

“$350 million is like pocket change to white people,” grassroots activist and unauthorized border crosser Chiquita Bonita told NPC Daily reporter Quinn Barton back in March. “That puta Pelosi had better give us more if she wants us to flip Arizona blue.”

The new CAIR Act was designed to do just that — give more to foreign nationals, regardless of whether or not they voted in the 2020 election — with the priority now being the ones who are still living overseas.

Only a white supremacist Trump supporter would find fault with gifting $2 billion in free government money to the Muslimx POCs of Somalia and Egypt during this time of crisis, or another $500 million to Israel (in addition to the $3.8 million we paid them last week).

Yet the combined $1.75 billion to Asian-Pacific countries we’d be hard pressed to find on a map does seem a little steep, seeing how Asians are just the other white people unless they’re Muslims or Communists. And that $453 million to Ukraine is downright questionable — though perhaps it simply requires laundering before it can be put to a charitable cause. (Like funding a proxy war with Russia.)

But it’s the direct payments to the American people that are truly unforgivable.

Americans are the most racist, privileged people in the world and have centuries of blood on their hands from all the millennia they spent enslaving black people. And yet Congress sees fit to pay them a whopping 18.4% of the take?

“That Congress would give as much as six hundred dollars to each of those 74 million people who said ‘black lives do not matter’ is just unconscionable to me,” former first lady Michelle Obama said in a statement to NPC Daily.

“Those 74 million Trump voters ought to be paying my family reparations. I hope Joe puts their children in cages.”

• Michelle Obama

For science-denying white supremacists to receive a share of the $900 billion stimulus is not simply socially unjust — it is extremely harmful to marginalized minorities. Consider how much better those stimulus checks would fare in the hands of democratically-elected Venezuelan president Maduro, whose people were awarded a mere token $33 million.

“Venezuela is a very important ally,” asserts NPC Daily legal analyst Andy Kuntz. “They definitely deserve at least as much as Israel.”

So too do the LGBTQIAP+ children of Pakistan, who have limited access to gender-reaffirming puberty blockers. To throw a paltry $10 million their way speaks to the deeply-rooted transphobia of our elected leaders.

The bill passed the House Democrats in a landslide before getting rubber stamped by Mitch McConnell and his minions in the Senate. It will now make its way to the desk of the outgoing White House occupant, who will either sign it into law at the expense of the Pakistani trans kids or veto it out of sheer xenophobia.

It’s not too late to impeach the motherfucker again.

“Pelosi tried offering my people only $500 million, and I took that as a personal insult — Americans are so selfish. So I reminded her, ‘some people did something once, they can do it again’. And that’s how we ended up with $700 million.”

• Minnesota persyn of congresswomxyzn Ilhan Omar

Staff Writer

One of our wage slave writers contracted with NPC Daily. Repeat after me - orange man bad. Everything on this site is satire.

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