Congress gives itself $2000 stimulus checks

Beloved and selfless politicians have had to stay at home with their families for 9 months

When Americans face a crisis, we all look to Congress to provide timely, common-sense solutions. Just last month, they graced those of us who made less than $75,000 (before we lost our jobs due to common sense lockdowns) with $600 to cover our last 9 months of living expenses, which is more than fair. People who are unemployed that used to make more than $75,000 before their businesses closed obviously don’t need help.

A universal concern among American commoners though, was “Who is going to make sure that congresspersons are going to make ends meet with them being at home for 9 months and all..” Lifelong congressional leaders made sure we wouldn’t be alarmed for their financial well being by continuing to pay themselves between $150,000 to $200,000 per year even though they voted that they couldn’t work. Americans are smart though, and people held peaceful rallies to make sure that Congress got their own stimulus checks as well. Today, in a stunning and brave announcement, Congress gave themselves a $2,000 check each!

“It’s about time. I’ve been going through a shit ton of wine since I haven’t been going to work.” explained a congressperson of white. An insider revealed that all 217, 987 congressional staffers will each get $1,000. “We are not as important as congresspersons, but we have just sat on our asses collecting checks too, so I’m glad we are getting a little”.

A couple of bigots who were overlooked in the recent twitter purge complained, but luckily were silenced.

Orange man still bad. Ideas bad. Conformity is our strength.

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Pepe Johnson

Robert ("Pepe") Johnson is a Gen YZ freelance social justice facilitator. A graduate of Palo Alto State with a major in Mime, with a concentration in Walking Against the Wind, with post-graduate online certificates of knowledge in Non-Binary Gender Studies and 21st Century Bathroom Planning, "Pepe" has performed as a nude mime and human statue, as well as a professional protestor. "Pepe" is a nickname, but he has been called that since childhood, not for current political gain or to seem more Mexican. This entire site is satire.

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