The stock market is under attack by white supremacists! Naturally, minorities are most affected because Wall Street overwhelmingly finances the party that owns womxyzn and black people.
Subscribers to the far-right subreddit r/wallstreetbets have levied a racist, Antisemitic domestic terror attack against hedge funds intimately involved with the Biden administration — presumably at the behest of Donald Trump.
While it is true that the FIRST FEMXLE TREASURY SECRETARY is monitoring the situation — and that a certain FEMXLE SENATOR of indigenous persynhood is looking to criminalize outsider trading — many among the beneficent billionaire class fear this is too little, too late.
Which is why we at NPC Daily (and indeed every other mainstream media outlet) are urging you to buy silver.
With your help, we can draw the Nazis away from volatile stocks like Gamestop and AMC while assisting the hedge funds in recouping their losses. Simply put, the Rabble cannot be permitted to engage in economic sabotage because they lack the requisite pedigree and congressional oversight.
So do your patriotic duty. Buy silver. Tell your parents. Tell your Tinder dates. And report anyone you see attempting to purchase Gamestonks as a domestic terror threat.