Criticism of new UK flag to be treated as domestic terrorism

Whitehall promises crackdown on far-right extremism

Now that Brexit has happened, the bonds that once held the United Kingdom together are beginning to fray. Northern Ireland is grumbling about its potato exports (whist plotting the next football riots) and the Scots have been entirely robbed of their national identity as citizens of the EU. The Welsh too appear malcontent, though about what is anyone’s guess because nobody can understand them through those ridiculous accents.

Which is why it was only natural that our flag would undergo a redesign, one aimed toward maximum inclusion around which we can all unify.

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Critics of the new flag are being designated white supremacists because criticism of the new flag is white supremacy.

“We’ve been seeing a record influx of stern letters regarding the new design,” a source within Whitehall told NPC Daily. “Complaints to Members of Parliament, to the Home Office, to the editors of media publications — which thankfully know better that to print any of them.”

A large portion of these letters, quite tragically, have originated from British military officers — many of whom are still actively serving The Crown.

“We are gathering names and compiling lists. Hate has no home here, and I can assure you that the domestic terror threat posed by these far-right extremists will not be treated lightly.”

Nevertheless, the Government remains receptive to constructive feedback regarding the design — such as that from Leftists for the Eradication of Whiteness and British Borders, who find it insufficiently inclusive of the African American community.

“We understand such concerns, and while there are no further plans for redesign, the Royal Mint is looking into the possibility of replacing the Queen with Kamala Harris.”

Diversity truly is the United Kingdom’s greatest strength — and our only hope for survival in a post-Brexit world.

Nigel P. Crustingham

Nigel P. Crustingham was born into white privilege, the son of Marchioness Fionnula Tambling-Goggin (heiress to the immense Pemberton-Trickelbucket fortune) and Count Rutherford Periwinkle Crustingham (rumoured to be the illegitimate grandson of former Prime Minister Arthur "Neville" Chamberlain). Raised in the moors by the governess he affectionately dubbed "Aunt Paki", Nigel began advocating on behalf of oppressed minorities at an early age. When he was nine years old he ordered the kitchen staff to prepare a special menu for the black African servants, whom he viewed as the most oppressed. It warmed his heart to see the looks in their eyes when they realized they would be feasted night after night on naught but the ethnic delicacies of their homeland: fried chicken and chitterlings, orange jello and lemon jello. It was then Nigel realized he had discovered his calling. While met with limited success in his attempt to get his father to turn over his personal fortune to the Ugandan government by way of slavery reparations, he did manage to convince his cousin Madeline to follow her heart and elope with that handsome Syrian fellow she'd met online. Initially intent on pursuing a lucrative career in transgender BIPOC studies at the illustrious Oxford University, the groundbreaking investigative reporting of Rachel Maddow prompted Nigel to switch his major to journalism. He came to work for NPC Daily after a brief stint with the BBC, during which he was instrumental in getting Sargon of Akkad (not his real name) and Count Dankula (not a real count) banned from Discord. Nigel dreams of eradicating the middle class to pave the way for a brighter future in which the poors will own nothing and be blissfully happy. Everything on this site is satire.
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