Culture

U.S. Olympic Committee Picks Chelsea Wolfe to Carry American Flag and Olympic Torch

“Americans Can’t Wait Forever to Watch Wolfe Burn the Flag”

TOKYO-Let’s face it, all good Americans only watch sports to see oppressed athletes show us why we should all be either ashamed of ourselves, or proud of ourselves, based solely on our skin color. Approved fact checkers confirmed that it’s the only way to end racism. The NBA and NFL have spoiled us, as the modestly paid players no longer “play by plantation rules” when the national anthem is played before games. And just like watching the Oscars, Americans can’t get enough of the wokeness that celebrities and athletes share with us so that we can realize just how bad it is to live here.

Americans cautiously anticipated the 2020 Summer Olympics, which will be held in 2021 because 2020 was literally racist. The U.S. Olympic Committee proved it is completely in touch with every American when it selected transgender athlete Chelsea Wolfe to compete in “Women’s Freestyle BMX”, which is a real sport. Chelsea (“they/them”) promptly announced that if they/them win gold in Women’s Freestyle BMX, Chelsea will promptly burn the American flag to protest everything about America, especially the lack of competitive opportunities for trans Olympic Women’s Freestyle BMX athletes.

“We couldn’t pass this up,” explained an Olympic Selection Committee insider. “Polls show that 95 per cent of Americans want transgender athletes competing in all our women’s events. Women’s events are not just for birthing persons anymore. Parents need to teach their kids that they should all be transgender, and there is no better brand ambassador for the U.S. Olympic Team than Chelsea Wolfe. Chelsea is the Jackie Robinson of Women’s Freestyle BMX, which is literally an actual Olympic Sport. They/them will be the poster-athlete of these games.”

“We need to get Chelsea involved early and get her out in front of the approved media, to show everyone what America is all about. Chelsea will carry the American flag, as well as the Olympic torch, at the opening ceremonies. They/them will ride a bicycle into the stadium with no hands, then set the American flag on fire. It will be a great show of American strength to the rest of the world. We will crush the ratings, and the rest of the world will be totally jealous that they don’t have a Chelsea. We will provide Chelsea with another flag to burn on the medal stand if they/them win gold.”

We are literally shaking with joy at this stunning bravery. Equity is our strength.

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Pepe Johnson

Robert ("Pepe") Johnson is a Gen YZ freelance social justice facilitator. A graduate of Palo Alto State with a major in Mime, with a concentration in Walking Against the Wind, with post-graduate online certificates of knowledge in Non-Binary Gender Studies and 21st Century Bathroom Planning, "Pepe" has performed as a nude mime and human statue, as well as a professional protestor. "Pepe" is a nickname, but he has been called that since childhood, not for current political gain or to seem more Mexican. This entire site is satire.

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