Biden Orders Great White Sharks To Be Renamed

“There’s Nothing Great About Being White”

The Harris-Biden presidency has ushered in a sense of safety and security for all Americans. But there are a few messes left over from Trump that still need to be cleaned up. Today, President Biden added another milestone to his legacy by making the oceans free from racism.

Throughout the literally terrifying Trump years, the words “Great White Shark” have left millions literally shaking with fear. It’s not just the fact that these killing machines try to eat humans, including people of color, off the beaches of Cape Cod; way worse than that is their literally racist name: “Great White Shark”.

“These sharks are the Jim Crow of the ocean. It has to stop. This is an existential threat, it’s the biggest threat to democracy since the white guys that wrote the constitution. Look, I’ve said it many times, there is nothing great about being white, and these sharks just flaunt their, you know their being white, and say it’s great. C’mon man! Calling these sharks “great white sharks” if it continues, will cause our society to collapse, just like climate change, republican protests, the police, borders, Trump, and all the other things. They are all literally the worst thing since the Civil War. No, I’m being serious I’m not joking. You know, growing up in Scranton, PA my dad would say, after a long day of coal mining, ‘Joey, these great white sharks are literally racist’. We are teaching the kids in schools how bad it is to be white, are we going to let these sharks just go unpunished? No! So today I am signing an executive order making it a crime to call these sharks “great white”, and that includes the sharks themselves.”

Opening a spiral notebook, the President announced that he would take questions from approved journalists. “Let me see here they wrote the names of the good ones. Sandeep? Is that how you say it? Sandeep? Did I see you at the 7-11 when I was getting a slushie?”

“I don’t think so Mr. President. Who will be spearheading this bold new program, if I may ask, and what will these sharks be called after their racist name is removed?” asked the journalist.

“What the f—k kind of question is that?” answered the President. “A person of color will be appointed to do this how the heck should I know who? They’ll find one and tell me later. They didn’t write it on my cards. I’ll have more on that next week. I have to stop talking now they are saying in the ear thing.”

We are getting spoiled with the daily stunning bravery of the Harris-Biden team. Diversity is our strength.

Pepe Johnson

Robert ("Pepe") Johnson is a Gen YZ freelance social justice facilitator. A graduate of Palo Alto State with a major in Mime, with a concentration in Walking Against the Wind, with post-graduate online certificates of knowledge in Non-Binary Gender Studies and 21st Century Bathroom Planning, "Pepe" has performed as a nude mime and human statue, as well as a professional protestor. "Pepe" is a nickname, but he has been called that since childhood, not for current political gain or to seem more Mexican. This entire site is satire.
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