Culture

Nike rebrands as ‘Piks’ – “bitter and unpalatable” – to honor the goddess of body-positive feminism

The Greek goddess of victory has reportedly let herself go, prompting Nike to rebrand itself in her honor.

Sources close to Mount Olympos reported back in 2016 that the goddess had begun turning away from traditional notions of victory and become increasingly enamored with social justice causes.

Some say she was inspired by the heroics of civil rights activist Colin Kaepernick; others give credit to Ben & Jerry.

The virgin goddess Nike (she/her), 2021 A.D., colorized

“The goddess Nike has chosen to reinvent herself as a body-positive, blue-hair feminist,” a persyn of spokes for the company announced on Monday, “which is why we are rebranding ourselves as Πίκς, or ‘Piks’, from the Greek root meaning bitter and unpalatable.”

This latest statement from Πίκς has been met with outrage on Twitter by many brave men of fighting age.

Citing the failure to render the combined consonants kappa (κ) and sigma (ς) as the double consonant xi (ξ), they accuse the brand of cultural insensitivity and have started a Change.org petition to have the chief marketing officer put to death.

Never one to miss out on an opportunity for advocacy, differently-abled FTM lesbian immigrant of color Alyssa Milano also weighed in.

Wary of eliciting a boycott from yet another wave of activists, the company is now reportedly considering a “Πίξ” variant in key regions and city states.

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One of our wage slave writers contracted with NPC Daily. Repeat after me - orange man bad. Everything on this site is satire.

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