I am broken, my spirit gnawed, and my resolve forever shattered. This internal devastation was quick and has left a scar that shall never truly heal. You may wonder, dear reader, what has caused me to feel such an intense suffering. The answer will shock you to the core: I was not invited to former President Barack Obama’s birthday party, and neither were any of my journalist colleagues.
As someone who has done more for the cause of social justice activi- I mean journalism, the news seemed absurd at first. How could I, world-renowned journalist and legendary slam poet Neville Percival Croft, not be invited to Obama’s birthday party! The notion seemed utterly ludicrous and so I laughed. That was until the party happened, and it happened without me.
After the party had transpired without my brilliant quips or incredible tales of my journalistic exploits, I spent hours in my cry closet weeping away my sorrows to the soothing sounds of an Amy Schumer comedy marathon. Yet not even Amy Schumer could block the rivers of my tears. I guess the joke is on them. I bet they had a terrible time without hearing my prepared hour of slam poetry or sipping on the avocado soyshakes I planned to bring or the enjoying the fifty slide long PowerPoint presentation I made about why Novigenders need their own public bathrooms. At least Joe Biden would have invited me to his birthday, I think.
It’s unbelievable that after all Obama and I went through, he didn’t put me first on his invite list. I remember the first time I interviewed him. We spoke for four whole minutes before he told me he needed to leave and I bet he loved the dozens of emails I sent him afterwards. He was probably so enamoured by my words that he forgot to reply.
I spoke to some of my colleagues to hear their thoughts on not being invited to Obama’s birthday party.
“I just feel….empty…..I stress-ate the day away……I tried re-arranging my healing crystals into JLGBT rainbows….I tried making an infographic on fatphobia….but I had just lost myself.”
- Gilbert (Approved journalist, Healing crystal expert, Professional period blood painter)
“I donated my testicles to defeat Drumpf, the least Obama could have done was invite me to his birthday party.”
- Jared Michelle (Journalistic genius, President of the Bernie Sanders fan club)
“I’m dying inside.”
- Ahmed (Trans-latinx, Office janitor)
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