While authoritarian right-wingers weave their dangerous conspiracy theories and eschew sensible precautions like concentration camps because they want your grandmother to die, liberty-minded liberals are making valiant personal sacrifices because they care deeply about saving lives.
Which is why they are now euthanizing their pets to slow the spread of COVID.
“I was just too terrified to walk my dog,” explains the movement’s founder, Uni Varseman. “I’d triple mask up, put on my face shield and my gloves, but the moment my hand touched that leash, I’d just think of the news and cry.”
“I live in an efficiency apartment with my theyfriend Sharon and two Afghan refugees. The smell got to be too much after a while. I just figured it was better for everyone this way.” • Uni Varseman, former pet owner
Biden voters the world over are now following in Mx. Varseman (increasingly confined) footsteps. Calling themselves the Lockdown Liberals, these principled political moderates are shooting, stabbing, and poisoning their pets to show their support for lifesaving lockdowns.
“I no longer need to leave my house to buy pet food or take my cats to the vet,” reports one Reddit user. “Plus I’m saving a ton of money in the process!”
“I’m actually doing this because of climate change,” explains another user. “My dog’s farts smelled really bad, and if cow farts can cause climate change, dog farts probably do too.”
“It was never about being a hero and becoming famous on Reddit,” Mx. Varseman tells NPC Daily. “I just saw how our two new roommates were eyeing Sinoopy and figured he wasn’t long for this world anyway.”
“I miss him,” he admits. “And the smell keeps getting worse. Sharon says we have to take in at least one more refugee, but doing the right thing sure ain’t easy.”
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