World Events

Special envoy to Haiti resigns, citing untenable living conditions

"I wouldn't wish this place on my worst enemy"

The State Department’s special envoy to Haiti resigned his post on Thursday after issuing a scathing rebuke of the Biden Administration’s handling of Trump’s border crisis.

“You cannot deport people to this shithole country — it’s inhumane,” Daniel Foote said in a letter addressed to Secretary of State Antony Blinken. “There are flies everywhere, and the natives are stinky. The average IQ here is 67. I’m coming back to the office now. I wouldn’t wish this place on my worst enemy.”

Mx. Foote went on to warn by way of post salutation: “Don’t try to stop me or I’ll pull another Zambia” — an apparent reference to his service as a U.S. ambassador, which ended rather abruptly with his expulsion from a different shithole country.

A career Deepartment of State man, Foote was appointed special envoy in July after the involuntary suicide of outgoing President Jovenel Moïse — a notorious antivaxxer who did not believe in Science™.

Moïse’s death helped spread awareness of COVID and the importance of getting vaccinated — hence the ongoing flood of undocumented migrants desperate for access to COVID Passports.

“This current wave of asylum seekers are not your typical asylees — they’re COVID refugees, not climate refugees,” immigration attorney Andy Kuntz told NPC Daily. “Which, uh, is not to say that we’ll actually be Pfizering them. But they’re a lot better off up here than they were down there — I hear Haiti is a real shithole.”

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Staff Writer

One of our wage slave writers contracted with NPC Daily. Repeat after me - orange man bad. Everything on this site is satire.

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