THE RUSSIANS HAVE FINALLY INVADED UKRAINE, Jen Psaki announced during her regularly-scheduled press briefing Tuesday morning.
Sporting a fashionable beige Donatella Versace blazer over a smartly-tailored pants suit by Louis Vuitton, the sassy secretary of press had a natural glow about her that could only mean one thing: Chanel.
Her hair and nails were spectacular as ever — a credit to the vigilance of her persynal assistant Cooper (she/him), who previously interned for media rights advocate Dustin Levitt.
Mx. Psaki said something about the Russians sneaking over the border that we didn’t quite catch (OMG, her shoes were Gucci), but the important thing is that their attack on NATO staff in some place called Lviv ultimately failed, with U.S. diplomats taking up arms to drive them back over Ukraine’s western border.
The Kremlin has since launched a coordinated disinformation campaign, insisting that their unprovoked attack on Lviv (which now legitimizes any U.S. military action) wasn’t actually carried out by Russian forces.
“They aren’t wearing the correct uniforms, that hasn’t been our flag since I was a teenager, and any soldier caught wearing rainbow war paint would be immediately executed by his commanding officer,” Russian Foreign Ministry spokeswomxyzn Maria Zakharova claimed without evidence after viewing cell phone footage of the short-lived battle. She then went on to rudely question whether anyone at the U.S. State Department was even capable of finding her country on a map.
Trump supporters are no doubt seething that Democrats have been proven right about Vladimir Putin being the second coming of Gellert Grindelwald. It took nearly a decade of demonizing what would have otherwise been a natural ally against China, but that effort has finally paid off.
Thank you, President Biden! Now let’s go fight a war with Russia.