The Kremlin is no longer seeking to destabilize the West, according to a recent interview with Russian president Vladimir Putin.
Putin told senior NPC Daily correspondent Neville Croft that he was ordering a full withdrawal from social media and decommissioning all of the bots, expressing concerns that meddling in Western politics (and American elections in particular) “simply is not funny anymore” but was instead “making [him] sad”. He apologized to the American people for not doing more to keep Trump in office and said their country reminds him of his differently-abled nephew:
“My sister many years ago have retard child out of wedlock. We keep it in shed to beat with sticks for our amusement. The sound of its cries evoke laughter all around.
“Then one day, big ox of boy called Ivan Smirnov — he take game too far, set idiot’s hair on fire.
“I say to him, ‘Comrade, you take game too far. This is as the Americans say, to hit child with glasses.’
“Comrade Smirnov, he spit on ground and call dear Mama Putina a ‘decadent Western whore’.
So I rip out his entrails with bare hands and make shoelaces for half-brained nephew.”
- President Vladimir Putin
NPC Daily reached out to geopolitics expert Rachel Maddow to inquire about the likelihood of Putin being sincere.
“Even now, he is gathering his forces,” Mx. Maddow insisted. “Like… like some dark wizard gathering his forces.
“He’s planning to use the power of the Obscurus to enslave the No-Majes! Putin will NEVER be done with America — NEVER! NOT EVER!”
She then went on to add, “NEVER EVER.”
Mx. Maddow is currently on a leave of indefinite absence from MSNBC so she can devote more time to her podcast, What is Putin Up to Now?