Russia recognizes Conch Republic as sovereign island nation

Putin offers military assistance to Florida Keys separatists

The Conch Republic has been added to the growing list of contested territories now formally recognized by the Russian Federation.

In a joint press conference with Russian foreign minister Sergei Lavrov (he/him), President Vladimir Putin (Libra) declared the sovereignty of the Conch Republic “incontestable” and “absolute”.

“A treaty of friendship, cooperation, and mutual assistance will be signed between Russia and this Seashell Republic in which we promise to safeguard their security,” the foreign minister announced on Friday, adding, “I think everyone — even ‘Brandon’ — should be able to understand that.”

Putin then urged the Floridian micronation to reach out to Russian Defense Minister Sergey Shoygu via snapchat should “Brandon” give them any trouble.

NPC Daily sent seasoned war correspondent Norm Wilson down to the Conch Republic to request an audience with their Secretary of Defense, Mrs. Gladys Pettigrew.

Gladys was delighted to hear the news and warmly received Norm into her kitchen to share a bite of key lime pie.

“What a nice young man this Vladimir is,” Gladys remarked, “offering to help an old biddy like me. I simply must send him a pie. I used to make my own, you know, but my arthritis…”

“Come along, Norman. Let’s go to the store and buy Vladimir a pie. Publix really does make a lovely key lime pie.”

• Secretary of Defense Gladys A. Pettigrew, winner of last Monday’s Mahjong match and Hero of the Republic

Norm reached out to the White House for comment on his way to deliver Putin his pie. Jen Psaki wasn’t available, so the operator patched him through to the Oval Office.

“Now listen here, Norm, you tell that stupid son of a bitch Gladys, you tell her… boy, I oughtta ask her to step outside or something… dog-face pony soldier… I ever tell you about the time… kids touching my legs…”

Staff Writer

One of our wage slave writers contracted with NPC Daily. Repeat after me - orange man bad. Everything on this site is satire.
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