State of the Union Address prompts Iranian missile crisis

"Putin will never gain the hearts and souls of my people," declares Ayatollah

Tehran is gearing up to launch a preemptive nuclear strike against Moscow, says undercover MI6 analyst Nelly Petunia Croft (cousin to NPC Daily reporter Neville Percival Croft), speaking on the condition of anonymity.

Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei began rallying his forces early Wednesday morning after receiving intelligence that Russian President Vladimir Putin was planning an invasion of his mostly-free and democratic nation.

The intelligence was reportedly leaked to the Supreme Leader (among others) on Tuesday evening, American time.

According to Neville’s cousin Nelly (whose pronouns are wer/wif), it is not at all uncommon for the Biden administration to share foreign intelligence with foreign powers with whom America might not be on the friendliest of terms.

“It really is quite nice of Biden to share his country’s secrets with the other world leaders. We used to do ice breakers like that when I was at uni.”

• Undercover MI6 analyst Nelly Petunia Croft (cousin to Neville)

Our anonymous MI6 source went on to explain that Russia will naturally launch a counterstrike against Tehran, and that Israel will likely use this as an opportunity to nuke Bahrain, Cyprus, Egypt, Iraq, Jordan, Kuwait, Lebanon, Oman, Qatar, Saudi Arabia, the Syrian Arab Republic, Turkey, the UAE, Yemen, the West Bank, and much of the Greater Middle East along with Iran.

India and Pakistan will wipe each other out in a matter of minutes, and France is expected to surrender their entire nuclear arsenal to Germany (or whoever gets there first).

“We are in a bit of a pickle, I’m afraid,” our source (whose code name is PISCES, after wer astrological sign) admitted to wer cousin Neville. “But look on the bright side — if there are any survivors, and if the UK still remains, this will provide a wonderful opportunity for the Home Office to bring in more refugees!”

Diversity truly is our greatest strength — even in the face of nuclear Armageddon.

Nigel P. Crustingham

Nigel P. Crustingham was born into white privilege, the son of Marchioness Fionnula Tambling-Goggin (heiress to the immense Pemberton-Trickelbucket fortune) and Count Rutherford Periwinkle Crustingham (rumoured to be the illegitimate grandson of former Prime Minister Arthur "Neville" Chamberlain). Raised in the moors by the governess he affectionately dubbed "Aunt Paki", Nigel began advocating on behalf of oppressed minorities at an early age. When he was nine years old he ordered the kitchen staff to prepare a special menu for the black African servants, whom he viewed as the most oppressed. It warmed his heart to see the looks in their eyes when they realized they would be feasted night after night on naught but the ethnic delicacies of their homeland: fried chicken and chitterlings, orange jello and lemon jello. It was then Nigel realized he had discovered his calling. While met with limited success in his attempt to get his father to turn over his personal fortune to the Ugandan government by way of slavery reparations, he did manage to convince his cousin Madeline to follow her heart and elope with that handsome Syrian fellow she'd met online. Initially intent on pursuing a lucrative career in transgender BIPOC studies at the illustrious Oxford University, the groundbreaking investigative reporting of Rachel Maddow prompted Nigel to switch his major to journalism. He came to work for NPC Daily after a brief stint with the BBC, during which he was instrumental in getting Sargon of Akkad (not his real name) and Count Dankula (not a real count) banned from Discord. Nigel dreams of eradicating the middle class to pave the way for a brighter future in which the poors will own nothing and be blissfully happy. Everything on this site is satire.
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