State of the Union Address prompts Iranian missile crisis

Tehran is gearing up to launch a preemptive nuclear strike against Moscow, says undercover MI6 analyst Nelly Petunia Croft (cousin to NPC Daily reporter Neville Percival Croft), speaking on the condition of anonymity.

Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei began rallying his forces early Wednesday morning after receiving intelligence that Russian President Vladimir Putin was planning an invasion of his mostly-free and democratic nation.

The intelligence was reportedly leaked to the Supreme Leader (among others) on Tuesday evening, American time.

According to Neville’s cousin Nelly (whose pronouns are wer/wif), it is not at all uncommon for the Biden administration to share foreign intelligence with foreign powers with whom America might not be on the friendliest of terms.

“It really is quite nice of Biden to share his country’s secrets with the other world leaders. We used to do ice breakers like that when I was at uni.”

• Undercover MI6 analyst Nelly Petunia Croft (cousin to Neville)

Our anonymous MI6 source went on to explain that Russia will naturally launch a counterstrike against Tehran, and that Israel will likely use this as an opportunity to nuke Bahrain, Cyprus, Egypt, Iraq, Jordan, Kuwait, Lebanon, Oman, Qatar, Saudi Arabia, the Syrian Arab Republic, Turkey, the UAE, Yemen, the West Bank, and much of the Greater Middle East along with Iran.

India and Pakistan will wipe each other out in a matter of minutes, and France is expected to surrender their entire nuclear arsenal to Germany (or whoever gets there first).

“We are in a bit of a pickle, I’m afraid,” our source (whose code name is PISCES, after wer astrological sign) admitted to wer cousin Neville. “But look on the bright side — if there are any survivors, and if the UK still remains, this will provide a wonderful opportunity for the Home Office to bring in more refugees!”

Diversity truly is our greatest strength — even in the face of nuclear Armageddon.