US, NATO Issue Sanctions Against Masha and the Bear

Allies Freeze Popular Cartoon Girl and Bear’s Assets

BREAKING: Congress and NATO have unanimously agreed on stunning and brave help to Ukraine in its war against Russia. Representative Eric Swalwell (D-CA) announced strong sanctions against popular cartoon star Masha, star of “Masha and the Bear”. The Bear has had all bank accounts frozen. The intelligence subcommittee has decided to “freeze their accounts, stop their ability to buy and sell stocks, or travel. We cannot allow communists to infiltrate our land. We stand with Ukraine.”

“I have read reliable intelligence that Vladimir Putin himself is in that bear costume. And he dresses as a bear to steal our next election.” explained fellow intelligence subcommittee member Adam Schiff (D-CA). “So far the girl and the Bear have both ignored subpoenas to appear before my secret committee. We’ll see who has the last laugh.”

“We will do whatever it takes to help the Crimea, or whatever. That’s where the war is. And that includes sanctions against the cartoons or whatever if need be,” explained Speaker Nanzi Pelosi.

Other trusted news sources have reported seeing Masha and the Bear golfing at Mar a Lago and attending CPAC. “If there’s one thing for sure, Trump’s behind this.” Said a source.

Neither Masha or the Bear were brave enough to return calls from NPC Daily.

Pepe Johnson

Robert ("Pepe") Johnson is a Gen YZ freelance social justice facilitator. A graduate of Palo Alto State with a major in Mime, with a concentration in Walking Against the Wind, with post-graduate online certificates of knowledge in Non-Binary Gender Studies and 21st Century Bathroom Planning, "Pepe" has performed as a nude mime and human statue, as well as a professional protestor. "Pepe" is a nickname, but he has been called that since childhood, not for current political gain or to seem more Mexican. This entire site is satire.
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