Biden appoints Michael Hayden Special Presidential Envoy for LGBTQIAP

IC superstar to serve as ambassador to the alphabet people

In honor of Pride Month, President Joe Biden has issued an executive order establishing a new advisory position to better address the needs of the LGBTQIAP+ community.

Intelligence Community superstar Michael Hayden will serve as the first U.S. Special Presidential Envoy for LGBTQIAP, the White House spokes-lesbian of color announced during Monday morning’s press conference.

Hayden will serve at the pleasure of the president, though it was not made clear whether Hayden himself will be pleasuring the president.

While some have questioned the wisdom of appointing a cisgendered white male to the position of Gay Czar, others were quick to point out all the socially progressive gains that were made with Hayden at the helm of three different intelligence agencies and serving as principal deputy to a fourth.

Hayden’s federal service began with the Air Force, and he would rise to become commander of the Air Intelligence Agency.

While initially delighted by the sweet sexual rendezvous that finally became possible once gays were officially permitted in the military, it was during his time with the AIA that he came to realize the harsh inequities of “Don’t Ask, Don’t tell”.

When President Clinton appointed him Director of the NSA, Hayden saw an opportunity for the creation of a sexual safe space. Under his leadership, the NSA partnered with newly-emerging diversity centers of local universities for the purpose of recruiting openly gay students.

It was during his time as NSA director that he came to appreciate the kink of voyeurism. President George W. Bush was so impressed with Hayden’s complete lack of boundaries that he named him the first Principal Deputy Director of National Intelligence — and eventually, Director of the CIA.

“Everyone thinks of Leon Panetta as like, this super progressive party animal,” deputy CIA director David Cohen tells British journalist Neville Croft in between margaritas during a casual get together at Trump Tower. “But like, that was all Beyonce and taxpayer-funded caviar. Old Man Brennan and I never would have been able to dismantle the old meritocratic system if Hayden hadn’t really lain the groundwork for us.”

It was under Hayden that diversity and inclusion training truly gained a foothold at the CIA — though it remained vastly underappreciated for some time. Hayden saw more black womxyzn shuffled into useless positions than all of of his predecessors combined, and most of these womxyzn were probably lesbians. And it was under Hayden that the first gender-fluid POC set foot inside CIA headquarters.

READ: Cultural push to make the next James Bond a disabled transgender person of color

According to sources who declined Neville’s offer of margaritas in New York (and therefore insisted upon remaining anonymous), a Russian cleaning womxyzn was once fired after being caught having sex on Director Hayden’s desk. Hayden felt so bad for her sexual partners that he offered himself up in her place.

All in all, Michael Hayden appears to be attune to the needs of the LGBTQIAP+ community and will make an excellent edition to the Biden Administration.

“I once ran into the General at a showing of Hamilton and asked him to do me the honor of banging my wife. ‘Son,’ he said, ‘I haven’t had sex with my wife in thirty years — what the hell do I want with yours?’ That Hayden — what a mench!”

– David S. Cohen, Deputy Director of the CIA under William Burns and John Brennan

Staff Writer

One of our wage slave writers contracted with NPC Daily. Repeat after me - orange man bad. Everything on this site is satire.
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