Campus News

Whips – New Must Have Fashion Item for White Males on College Campuses

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Fashion reflects the sensibility of a people. In the 1960s tye-dye was omnipresent. In the 1980s punks made a statement with mohawks. But today, in the age of Trump, a trend on college campuses amongst CIS white males has gone mainstream: whips. So toxic has the masculinity become that college age young men, predominantly white, can be seen proudly going on about their day while trapsing about towns throughout the country with a 19th Century bullwhip dangling at the hip.

“I mean, the day after the election, me and my bros looked at each other and just went: ‘We’re running this (expletive deleted) again, let’s bring back whips, bro,'” boasted 21 year old third year University of Kansas student Tyson Graham. “Mine is made out of hemp, so it’s better for the environment. Sure, I keep everyone who’s not a CIS-gendered white male in line by intimidation, but if we destroy the environment what difference is it gonna make?”

Far from its underground roots in college dorm houses, the whip trend has gone mainstream, and every white male is sporting one, from coffee shop baristas to librarians and office workers. Some stores and shops, such as the Supercuts on Millison Parkway are installing signs proclaiming they are “whip friendly.”

I mean, the day after the election, me and my bros looked at each other and just went: ‘We’re running this (expletive deleted) again, let’s bring back whips, bro! Mine is made out of hemp, so it’s better for the environment. Sure, I keep everyone who’s not a CIS-gendered white male in line by intimidation, but if we destroy the environment what difference is it gonna make?

  • Tyson Graham

Local businesses are also cashing in on the craze, with 3 new whip specialty shops opening in the past year. They carry accessories such as American flag whip-holsters and have “whipnicians”at the ready to perform routine maintenance and upgrades. One area shop has started carrying “Trump Whips”, fashioned from braided,

Tyson Graham sporting his stylish “whip”. This is the country we live in.

orange synthetic hair with a 9 foot reach and retailing for $89.99. All shop employees we spoke with confirmed they are selling out as fast as they can stock them on the shelves.

“For the past 50 years we white guys have been playing nice. And the day Trump took over we just dropped the mask and said, ‘Guess who’s back in town’? The boys. The boys are back in town, that’s who,” confided Graham. “Democrats only say we’re evil and we’re the bad guys and stuff because it’s true. But y’know what, with my willow-snapper at my hip I don’t need a girlfriend, or any friend. And since we’re being slowly ostracized by ever-changing demographics, I guess that’s how it’s gonna be.”

This is the society we have become. This is Trump’s America. If you still support Trump and his administration after hearing these facts, you can’t possibly call yourself American. Diversity is our strength.

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