Culture

New study reveals disparity in our nation’s couches between white households and POCs

White people have more comfortable couches than POCs because of a right wing administration

Swagnets

A new study detailing quality of living standards from the Case-Western School of Medicine details shocking information on disparities between POC and whites. The study, funded in part by a grant from the Franklin D. Boyce Annual Health Scholarship, found that white people’s living rooms are a shocking 26% more comfortable than those of POC.

“It really comes down to the fact that POC purchase pull-out couches in far greater numbers than more affluent whites, who are more likely to buy traditional seating furniture with greater cushioning,” explains the study’s chief researcher, Dr. Anthony Sims.

But this reporter uncovered an even more sinister explanation behind the numbers.

Couch Comfortability Index from 2004 to 2017

“We’re not selling the good stuff to non-whites,” explained a local furniture store manager, who wished to remain anonymous. “Once you appreciate the craftsmanship of a really finely produced sitting-piece like a Smith Brothers of Berne, or B&B Italia, you really hate to sell it to someone who might tarnish it with a burn mark from a Kool cigarette or a smudge from a tattoo that hasn’t yet fully dried.”

When pressed if he were aware of the litigation he could face if discovered, not to mention the ethical implications, he continued with his philosophy unabated, noting, “Look, if the only thing you’re gonna use a couch for is hosting NBA2K tournaments for 14-hours straight, you don’t need much more than a pummel horse with some pillows duct-taped around it.”

When asked what emboldens the store manager to discriminate couch sales based on skin color, he calmly but firmly said, “Look, I’m doing this because of Trump. He makes me feel like I can manage my store the way I want to manage it.”

Comfortable couches not being sold to POCs because of the Trump administration

Speaking with local residents in the Jefferson Heights neighborhood we encountered Persephone Watson who confirmed, “Them ol’ white men ain’t wanna sell me (expletive deleted).” Speaking on how the double-standard in couch selection and availability has affected her life, she elaborated, “I got four grandbabies come stay with me. And now I got two grandbabies can’t walk!”

Meanwhile, lawmakers are scrambling to crack down on disparities in seating arrangements throughout the state. Democratic Congressional candidate Constance Figgelstein implored her constituents to be “vigilant” and report any suspected instances of “back-room selection” at area furnishers to the newly formed FILF (Fairness In Living-room Furnishings) Division at the state police website.

At a recent campaign rally speech, Figgelstein implored her audience to recognize that, “In the end, what truly unites us and makes us American, is the pleasure- or rather, I believe the right, the inalienable right– to sit on our butts and watch TV or play PS3 for days on end with dignity.”

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